Difficult to wrap my heart around

Day 19:
Hurting tonight. Didn’t sleep much last night due to pain requiring clinician boluses of dilaudid every two hours plus an increase in her basal rate and use of her PCA pump. Pain Gradually climbed all day resulting in a ketamine increase again tonight. The ketamine was supposed to be shut off tomorrow morning so we’ll see where we land with pain team tomorrow. This level of ketamine gave her a reaction after surgery in December. Please pray it doesn’t tonight. The only option then will be to turn it off.
Tomorrow starts a busy week with BMT workup. Tests and meetings will fill our days this week. The plan is to move to the BMT wing tomorrow afternoon. No new information on the donor situation today. Hoping that comes soon!

Feels like we’ve been crawling towards this forever. It’s honestly been so very difficult and I wasn’t always sure we’d get there. But now that it’s all starting and we’re getting closer, I want to hit the stop button or rather the go back in time before sickness one. I don’t exactly want to sit in this space either, but moving forward feels scary and overwhelming. I do trust God but I don’t know his plans. That is difficult to wrap my heart around. ❤️‍🩹

I have to say again, the response to the T-shirts is overwhelming. So much love expressed from so many avenues of our life in addition to sweet people we’ve never even met. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!