Post BMT Day +101
Day Post BMT +101
Of all days to skip a post, I chose Day 100. Yesterday caught me completely off guard. I’m not a big “day” celebrator. I don’t do huge Birthdays or Anniversaries or graduations, etc. I’m sure there’s some kind of big psych reason, but I just choose to live in the moment I guess. So….I didn’t anticipate feeling much of anything yesterday. But man, was I a mess! I just couldn’t wrap my brain around what I was feeling. I felt happy but sad. Hopeful for the future but mourning all the years lost. And Honestly, a bit weary at what is still in front of us. Here’s my attempt at an explanation.
In this journey you don’t stop to process. You can’t. You literally just keep marching and checking off all the “to-do’s” and focusing on the practical. You are trying to understand what is happening while being on alert for anything that might be missed while trying to learn quickly enough so you can still be a strong advocate for what may pop up. It’s exhausting. The emotions catch up periodically, usually combined with sleep deprivation, but quickly go back into hiding when the next job is due. Apparently yesterday meant something to my heart and my brain finally processed some of it.
4 months ago I didn’t dare think forward to day 100. Truth is, 2 years ago, there were no options and 9 months ago things looked grim. I didn’t fully believe we’d get here. Transplant was an option…the only option, but it was always followed by, “We don’t know what it will fix, but IF she can get through it, we believe it will save her life.” Once Tate developed bone marrow cancer on top of everything else right before transplant, there were no more doubts that we were doing the right thing. But we still couldn’t predict the outcome. Tate got through transplant. We see her getting stronger. Yes, there’s still a long ways to go and yes, lots could still go wrong, and yes, we still dont know how many systems will still be affected by disease. But day 100 is more than a number. More than a milestone. It’s a chance to exhale and to take a bigger breath for the next segment of this journey. I’m not ready yet to plan for the future, but living moment by moment perhaps can shift to living day by day.
The prayers and love from you all have been life giving. These journeys are amazing as people surprise you in all sorts of ways. I speak for our whole family in saying thank you. Our hearts overflow with gratitude for all of you who have kept us standing. I’m overwhelmed daily by the amount of people who were once strangers and are now part of our “Tribe.” To feel love from strangers is a remarkable gift.
For our family of nurses that have loved us and cared for us, we will always be indebted to you. You became our friends and family. Advocating for and loving us when we were too overwhelmed or tired to know what came next. I can’t put into words how much we love and cherish each of you. And Tates medical team who took the leap into the unknown with us. So much gratitude and respect for the brilliance that led to this even being an option.
Our family. Love you. I value you more everyday.
And I feel an overwhelming amount of love for the young man who shared a piece of himself so my baby girl could live. So selfless and so life changing. He’s from DC and we cannot wait to embrace him as an extension of our family.
My heart is full of gratitude today as I pray for Gods grace to continue. Thank you for loving us so well and providing the bandaids for my bruised heart. We love you back.